Muddy

It's a combination of you not loving me,

enough.

And of me hating myself,

so much.

And of my own path,

finding peace in my solitude.

And of your path,

finding strength in your vulnerability.

And it's a combination of wanting you,

to be,

the one.

And it's a combination of you wanting me,

to be,

different.

And of me wanting,

to be different.

And of wanting you,

to be softer.

And of not knowing what is the right,

thing to be.

And it's a combination of anger,

and hurt,

and loneliness.

And it's desire for you to fight for me,

to stay,

and say that it's ok,

for me to make a mistake,

because it's never too late,

to change,

again.

And it's despair because,

I feel,

I've lost,

yet,

another,

Friend. 

Dear friend,

What do you do with a liar in your ear,

And when they are not there, it still resonates and drips of fear?

Haunting, the black lips mutter a host of empty lost words,

Bind their picture tightly, repeating a phrase I once heard.

Desperate to believe them, they once were a friend,

Though seemingly always unruly and you were always a little ready to defend.

Now, it feels the limbo is lifting,

And the choice is drifting,

And a time may come when they can no longer bear,

Their own lies they feed on, underneath, lays complete despair.

And the time will come that they will choose again,

Either continued darkness, paranoia and shame,

Or, what I wish for them,

A new choice,

Life,

Purpose,

Love,

That they once knew,

Maybe long ago,

Maybe they would remember,

They are not alone,

You were always their deep, true friend,

Never any real reason for their heart to not completely mend.

If I could do it for them,

Take the pain away,

I would, I would,

If they would choose to live a different way.

But I can't, I can't,

So I write,

And plead,

And beg,

I'm going to be selfish now,

If you care for not yourself at all,

Life itself,

I ask you,

Care for me.

Care for me,

Don't tell another lie to your own face.

I am on your side, pleading your case.

Prove you are my friend,

Be honest, you are safe...

Are you at your end?

Sad

Sad is a funny word, only three letters seem too small,
to convey the feeling that is beating,
deep down,
under the churning,
bloodied,
mess,
of a
heart.

Somehow my body keeps itself afloat. The organs stay intact and everything is compact.

My eyes peer, small windows open, the wall, my face, blank and drained.

Behind the blue-grey slits, my mind assesses and wonders,
what is the intention here,
to discover me
and know what is inside,
to what end will this take us,
this end or that,
both a different bend,
still,
both an end.

I know the learning that is done even when we reach a wall.
Touch it, feel it, it's the experience that is the call.

And still I am sad. The three letter word haunts my heart.
A million strangers who held me,
I knew you
in a moment,
adrift this time and place,
it's eternal,
I'm sure,
you still know
who I am,
and I know you,
we turn another page,
not together,
our hands apart now,
forever.

Doesn't the sadness feel like tears falling,
like wearing a dress of hopelessness,
like you could walk and walk until you slip,
into the ocean of darkness,
there it's peaceful,
complete
bliss.

Loved

They say it is better to have have loved and lost, then never loved at all.

It's not one or the other I fear more, I am utterly and completely afraid to fall.

You were once in my arms, a song that swelled in my heart.

Your eyes were wells of joy and a safe place for me to start.

Then you were gone and far from my life, though still near in every exhale I gave.

If you were still mine to hold, to cherish and to save.

I would give you all of me and it would not be a cost.

Though when I think of love now, all I know is the loss.

Dark Roads

Lost in a time and space that isn't mine to hold, churning, burning, incomplete and redoing over and over I fold.

The fragments and the shards cut me in the same place, the scar now etched deeper, a seemingly arduous chase.

Can you hit me, fit me into your mold?
Tell me the same stories I'm forever told?

The road looks different this time, see, though as I near the end, it becomes clearer to me.

Like a wolf in a suit all hidden and decieving, there I was on my way, blindly believing.

And I am caught out, once again, the water begins rising as I call out to you, my loving friend.

There isn't a sight to be seen, in every direction I am alone, not a mark left where you've been.

I open my mouth to shout, to call your sweet name, though I'm stuck, my voice unheard, this is a cruel game.

I must find my way through the dark, hands out-stretched feeling for a spark.

And I must take my time through this place, slowly and surely embracing this empty space.

This is where I reside, deep within, and it's here the healing will truly begin.

Or else I will cling onto a safe railing, like your hand, your heart or someone else who's ailing.

And the journey will continue, a hopeless ongoing saga, and I will one day be a step closer, or maybe much much farther.

mirror mirror

where the fuck are you going?

she said to me in a strong harsh voice.

the phone crackled.

no where. i said back weakly.

no where?

yes.

fine. you're not going anywhere.

that's right. i said. definate and unsure.

well that's pathetic.

why? why is that pathetic?

I was defensive now, defending my case to be apathetic.

because it is, it's lazy and you're boring and frankly a weak whino.

don't call me that.

call you what?

a whino!

well you are.

I'm not! I may be weak and lazy and god damned boring, but i'm not a whino. I do not whine!

well i say you do.

i don't!

do so.

shut up!

you're doing it right now. whining like a baby. worse than a baby. that's all a baby can do. be fed and shit and sleep and whine. and you're worse.

how am i worse?

you're not a baby! you do exactly what a baby does but you're a full grown person. so you're worse.

you really are full of it you know. it's like you're trying to insult me but you're insulting a baby in the process. and that's just mean.

awww poor big baby. poor giant baby wants to whine! wah wah wahhhh!

shut it!

cry cry cry, that's all you do you big stupid baby.

i said shut it!

make me baby!

WHACK!

that's for calling me a baby and a whino!

i heaved deeply, trying to calm myself. the phone felt tight in my hand.

and i realised... something warm and wet was dripping down the back of my head, under my hair...

and i collapsed.

Her Dis- Ease

She writhed. The pain coursing through her blood, like poison. One drop, tainted, forever, slowly sucking the very life from her insides.

She cursed. Herself. For the mistake. The choice. Damned. A regret she blamed herself, every day she grew closer to the end.

Struck down. Fatigued. Longing for a miracle but never believing the possibility. A reality of torture to endure.

Anger. Was this fair punishment? Did she really deserve this karma? Did she make God her enemy for good?

Sorrowful. She mourned. Empty and pushing love away. Knowing it would not last.

She looked for an end, something quick and much more painless than the life she were living. The life she was dying.

Tricked. She stayed. Battling it out. Not fighting, not succumbing, not asking, simply surviving. For the others sake. Her choices had already led her to this. She would not be selfish once again.

Finally. Letting go. Allowing herself to choose. A life after this. A life that could be different. A life of peace and not of pain.

She left.